Sharp objects for homeless people

I am thinking about a project for my theater class that involves set design for an updated version of Oedipus Rex. And for some reason I got this idea to do a google search for “Sharp objects for homeless people”. You see, I am going to set the updated version of this classic Greek tragedy in a homeless enclave of sorts. Oedipus will be naked underneath a brown trench coat, his body covered in shit and dirt and old taco grease after spending a week eating garbage from a dumpster behind his favorite Taco-Tico. He is revered for his garbage eating ability and for the fact that for the first years of his homelessness he survived on tad poles and tree sap. (The iron stomachs of homeless people are held in high regard. I bet you didn’t know that about America’s homeless population. The eating contests in many urban slums are legendary. It’s an ogurt thang. You wouldn’t understand.) So he returns to the shanty town after weeks of prowling alleyways looking for the most lucrative dumpsters he can find. He finds dumpsters teaming with garbagy awesome and is heralded by his special sect of homeless men. This Oedipus is the king of the garbage eaters.

Sports!

Now this is where I get confused because somewhere along the line he has to bang his mother, kill his father, then poke out his eyes with a sharp object. It cannot be a brooch like the original story so I am thinking broken chop sticks or maybe he can rub some sort of poison bark all over his eyes until they rot out. I see him humping some lady covered in newspaper, he’s cross eyed with an overflowing mouthful of brown lettuce and chow mien noodles. He finishes, stands up, and pounds his chest with his fist grunting like a constipated ox. Then he grabs the chop sticks and slams them into his eye. Blahh!!! End of story.

I hope I get an A.